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Q&A: How to Fireproof Your Marriage From In-Laws
Me and Mom Burge
Question:
I love my husband and am committed to our marriage. The problem is that I am now committed to my in-laws and they are a mess! I don’t mean to sound harsh, but there is always some drama when I deal with them. It is wearing me out and putting a strain on my relationship with my husband. What should I do?
My Thoughts:
I have been blessed with amazing in-laws. Fred and Thelma (aren’t those names cute?) have been together for almost 60 yrs! They raised three amazing sons…one to whom I am married to…and are generally really great parents. They don’t meddle unless we ask them to, they are kind, thoughtful, generous and are even close to my parents. I couldn’t ask for better in-laws…love them!
Now you may read that and think,
Great for you, but my in-laws are nightmares!
I know that for many couples balancing their in-law relationship is a very delicate and sometimes tiresome dance. Here are some common complaints about in-laws:
- Offer too many opinions
- Personal issues ie..alcoholism, mental issues, financial troubles…
- Divorced or Remarried
- Strained relationship with your spouse
Regardless of your In-lawmare (get it?) here are some quick tips that can help you build boundaries and keep your sanity:
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Communicate Proactively With Your Spouse
- Many times couples talk about issues in a reactionary way. Meaning that your conversations about a particular issue take place after the incident has occurred. This is fine if it is a one time thing, but if it is a recurring cycle then you need to proactively address it.this will do two things: 1) Remove some of the emotions from the conversation which can easily turn into an argument and 2) Gives you time to really think about what you say and how you bring it up.
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Get On The Same Team
-Sometimes this may not be possible, depending on how your spouse feels about the situation. However, it is key to help your spouse understand how the in-law drama is damaging your marriage, children and feelings. Don’t just tell your spouse about the issue reinforce the damage it is causing. Your spouse has been in relationship with them longer than he has been with you, so be sensitive to that. They may not see it from the same perspective because they have been “in it” for do long. Help them see it from the outside looking in.
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Put It In Writing
- Setting a standard in your family of what is and is not allowed is the best way to scare off wayward in-law advances. Write down your family decisions and boundaries. This could include where to spend holidays, loaning money, child rearing, ect… Having these on paper is a great way to keep both of you on the same page especially if you find yourself wanting to make an emotional decision. If one person starts to deviate then you have a tool that will reinforce your decisions.
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5 Responses
Great tips!!! I had serious issues with my in-laws, specifically my mother-in-law. Of course, my husband could not see certain things and refused to address certain issues. We are now divorced and I blame myself partly because I saw certain red flags before getting married and still went down that road with him.
You seem like such a great woman, did you have issues with your in-laws before you got married also? I am sorry you are dealing with this. I pray it gets better soon:-)
Sorry to hear you went through such a bad experience. My in-laws are actually really great…they treat me like I am their real daughter. Its a blessing to have them.
I feel bad that is not he experience for everyone because as you mentioned it can take a real toll on your marriage and ability to bond with a spouse.
I always look to my mother in law for wisdom… in between all the ‘God is coming, when are you going to go to church’ the “when are you all going to come to Florida to visit’ and a million other questions and topics she always says something I value and will think about all day.
At first knowing her/being near her was an adjustment for me because my husband always wanted me to be all proper (sit up straight, stop saying ‘DAMN’ its a curse!!!!!) after all these years she knows and loved me for me , even with the occasional slip of the d word, and I’m so comfortable around her. Its crazy she always tells me she loves me but i don’t ever think i’ve heard my mom say shes loves my husband. Now that i think about it my husband may be the one with the in-law issue my momma is crazy! lol
LOL at the curse thing….LOLOLOL….you are sooo funny girl! I am so different from my mother-in-law as well but she accepts me and I accept her. I think our respect and love for one another really makes a difference to my husband and just our families in general.
I have a crazy momma too, but she is sweet so Chris loves her
Thanks for the post. My mother-in law is staying with us for a few days and I always feel like my house is not clean enough, I have the right words to say or how to act around my husband.