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Q & A: How Can I Court As An Adult? Part 1
- SHARE YOUR SPIRITUAL BELIEFS
It is important to establish whether or not you are spiritually compatible with the other person. When you first meet a man – whether at church, on the metro, at work, or out with friends – find out if you share the same spiritual values. You can do this over coffee or over the course of a few phone conversations. You don’t have to bombard him with Bible verses. Instead, in a natural way, lead the conversation to a discussion of spiritual values and beliefs. Most women avoid doing this for fear of rejection or being labeled as a religious bigot. Having shared spiritual values will be the foundation needed to build a godly and healthy relationship, and it is better to establish this basis up front. You do not want to be one of the countless women who have wasted time in relationships with men who were not spiritually compatible. Remember the exhortation, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers…” 2 Cor 6:14
“Had these women, including myself, taken the time to do this, they would have avoided a lot of bad relationships with unfaithful men and the emotional bondage that results from sex outside of marriage!”
Here a few typical questions you should both discuss to discover whether or not you are spiritually compatible:
- What do you believe about Jesus?
- Do you believe in His atonement on the cross?
- On a scale of 1 to 5, how important is your spiritual growth in your life?
- Do you attend church regularly?
- Are you a church member and actively involved ministry?
- Do you read your Bible daily or more than three times in a week?
- GET TO KNOW HIM
Once you find a potential for spiritual compatibility, spend time over about three months getting to know him. Focus on establishing friendship, not intimacy. Meet him in public places or in group outings with spiritually mature friends. If he’s okay with these conditions, there is potential for a true friendship. Avoid spending time with him alone, for this is a sure way to knit your heart to someone you don’t really know yet. A man who has something in mind other than true friendship will grow bored and lose interest. That may be a hard blow to deal with, but it is much better than the heartbreak of wasting time on another fleeting relationship not in line with the Word of God.
- BECOME ACCOUNTABLE TO A FRIEND
I cannot overemphasize the importance of accountability in a relationship. Tell a friend – preferably one who has a strong relationship with the Lord – about the man in whom you have an interest. Have them meet, if possible, and get their viewpoint. Whenever you do go out with the person, ask a trusted friend to call you at a time when you should be back home, just to make sure that you are safe. You should also discuss the experience, your feelings, and whether it is in line with what God wants for your life based on the Bible.
“Do you really want to go through that cycle again?”
I’m guessing that you don’t. So do yourself a favor and keep the brakes on. Rushing into love is a sure way to crash.
- BE CLEAR WHERE YOU STAND
Those three months should allow him to know where you stand as far as marriage. He should know that you have a desire to be married and would like this relationship to be headed in that direction by way of courtship. I know that conventional wisdom says you shouldn’t put “pressure” on him, but I think this is actually a good thing. If he is responsible and cares about you, he will be open to hearing what is on your heart. If you are reluctant to do this, that might indicate that you sense that he is unwilling to make a commitment to you. In case you are unsure of how to do this, here is an example of what to say,
“[GUY], I have really enjoyed spending this time with you. You are such a insightful, intelligent and respectable man. I want to continue to keep the same level of respect for you and our friendship. That means defining what we want as far as the direction of our relationship and taking steps towards that. We have built a great foundation to begin courting. I believe that courting is the period of time that we grow together with the intention of getting married. In order for me to support you the way a woman should support a man, I need this type of commitment.
I want you to know that I am available for you to initiate this new season of our relationship. So if you would give this some thought and prayer, I would truly appreciate it. If you have questions, I am open to answer them. But I would also request, if I may, that we talk about this again in a week and make a decision.
Simple, unemotional and straight to the point. Men function best when there are no lines to read between. He needs to know in clear terms where you stand. It may be scary to be this bold and honest, but trust me, he will respect you for it. I can also promise that no other woman has told this to him before. The next step after this will be to wait for his response. However, depending on what he says, your answer will be different. Hopefully he will be ready to court you, which is an entirely different process. I will be sharing both in an upcoming article.
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1 Response
Hi Mel! A few questions/comments. (1) Did you take this approach (i.e., group outings and the simple statement drawing out intentions) in getting to know Chris? (2) It seems a bit premature to discuss marriage after having not spent any moments alone. How is that not awkward? (3) Also, please comment on the courting stage. Exactly how does that look? Similar to the first phase of the relationship, is there a time period on courting?